[A highly confidential memo from a preeminent Wall Street bank has been leaked exclusively to ATITP. Why this blog? I think it’s obvious.]
From: F. Reginald Hobscott
Subject: OMIGOD EVERYBODY IF I FORGOT SOMEBODY PLZ FORWARD!!!!!!
Please lean forward and read this e-mail very carefully, because I have to tell you all about a VERY IMPORTANT MATTER that requires OUR IMMEDIATE ATTENTION.
There is a group of people, RIGHT NOW, as I type this, staging a protest on Wall Street. Let me type that in all caps, in case you didn’t hear me right the first time: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ARE STAGING A PROTEST ON WALL STREET. And do you know what they’re protesting? ACTUAL WALL STREET, that’s what.
Let me get out the crayons and connect the dots for those of you who aren’t putting this together (*cough* Equities *cough*): THERE’S A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO ARE PISSED OFF BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT RICH, AND THEY JUST NOW FIGURED OUT WHO HAS ALL THE MONEY.
I know that some of you think that I sometimes exaggerate, but this is the beginning of the end. Gather all the Salon de Mesnil you have at hand and just start sucking it all down, because you’ll never daub your lips with its sweet nectar again. We. Are. Fucked.
“Ho ho ho, FRH, you scamp!” some of you may be chortling. But I can assure you, this is no chortling matter – these people are using time-tested protest techniques that have never failed in the history of America. To wit:
1. Carrying weirdo signs around
I have managed to calm the tremors in my mouse hand long enough to go to a bunch of websites and read many of these signs. They are INCREDIBLY PERSUASIVE. Let me tell you bunch of smug dicks something – the $100MM we’ve spent so far this year lobbying Congress and the White House to custom tailor financial reform is like a mouse farting in a hurricane when you put it up against a homemade cardboard sign that shrieks “Wall Street and Corporations Have Corrupted the Political Process.” With just a few strokes of a Sharpie, some simple protester, who almost certainly owns only one home, mind you, has pulled the curtain back and exposed everything that we in the overclass have worked for over a century to create! Now the people know! Until this brash rabble-rouser put pen to corrugated paper one fateful day last week, Americans have been slipping dreamily, contentedly, through their First World lives, completely unaware that we in the financial industry, and our corporate bretheren, give money to politicians in an attempt to get what we want from the electoral process! And now they know! AND NOW THEY KNOW. We stood on the precipice when that protester brought his or her sign to Wall Street. And when he or she raised it high, we plunged. That wind you feel isn’t the morning air whipping through your hair as you drive your Lexus convertible to work – it’s the howling current of the vertiginous plunge downward in which we inextricably find ourselves.
Don’t think slogans pose much of a threat? “Heard one, heard ’em all,” you’re thinking? Well, these slogans RHYME. Understand? THEY RHYME. FUCKING ALL OF THEM. “Lots of CEOs got bailed, we want to see them all get jailed.” BAILED AND JAILED. How can you ignore that? How can you not be drawn in by this seductive appeal? “The government bailed out the bankers, we would rather jail those wankers.” Who is writing this stuff? Thomas Jefferson? What, not impressed yet? “Unfair taxing causes pain, no subsidies for capital gains.” They know about the capital gains tax rate! I’ve sent my assistant to Brooks Brothers twice just this morning for fresh pants, BECAUSE THAT’S THE NUMBER OF TIMES THAT I’VE SHIT MYSELF IN ABJECT FEAR after I realized this. You know what’s going to happen now, don’t you? This is going to be all over the web. All these impressionable policy makers are going to hear these slogans and, utterly hypnotized by their power, are going to stop writing “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” fanfic and start writing a bunch of restrictive finance reform laws. They’re going to start investigating things! Every rhyming syllable is like the pebble let fly from David’s slingshot. Surely our entire industry will be destroyed in a hail of this agitation.
3. Susan Sarandon and Michael Moore showed up.
If you guys would tear yourselves away from your Bloomberg terminals once in a while, or read something other than the Journal, maybe you would have seen the latest Quinnipiac poll which found that Susan Sarandon and Michael Moore are the two most trusted and admired living Americans. And they have cast their lot with these protesters. Getting Susan Sarandon and Michael Moore is no different, strategically, than getting every Justice on the Supreme Court. No different. And Kanye West! Kanye West showed up! You know what’s going to happen next, don’t you? These multi-millionaires are going to renounce all their material possessions and give all their money away in a powerful demonstration of their sincere commitment to this insidious cause! What did you think they were doing, just dropping in for a self-serving photo op? No way! They’re going to give all their money away, and this is going to inspire the American people! Susan Sarandon, Michael Moore, and Kanye West are the first dominoes – soon, the whole of the American populace is going to join together in solidarity, working for the communal good! They’re going to stop putting their money into our mutual funds and our ETFs, and they’ll start giving it to poor people instead! The retail investor will disappear!
I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but Geithner is freaking out. He almost cancelled our standing Tuesday squash appointment – he thinks we’re days from an outright coup, and that the government is going to be handed over to a cabal of 22 year old dorm room socialists. “We’re one well-written cardboard sign away from this thing blowing us all to hell.” His exact words. And I don’t blame him for being scared. I’m terrified. Once the American people get wise to what these people want, it’ll be impossible to escape the tidal wave of support that will certainly follow. Here’s just a few:
1. One trillion dollars in infrastructure spending now.
2. One trillion dollars in ecological restoration planting forests, reestablishing wetlands and the natural flow of river systems and decommissioning of all of America’s nuclear power plants.
See? These guys already know how they’re going to spend two trillion dollars! You don’t get any more organized than that – in fact, they’re so well-organized, so disciplined, that they can have a web page detailing a list of demands, and at the top of that page, disavow these demands! People say you need to be laser-focused to effect change; well, these guys are a laser shot through a prism, and they’re SHINING THE GODDAMN TRUTH ALL OVER THE PLACE. This is a road map DIRECTLY TO OUR RUINATION.
I wish I had the answers, but I don’t. All I have is a panic room, and I’m heading there NOW, and I suggest you all do the same. Mine has a sauna.