Somebody Get Woody Austin a Cool, Refreshing Mug of Shut Your 2nd Place Mouth

 sporting-civilizer.jpg by Sporting Civilizer

I really, really thought it was going to be difficult for anybody on the PGA Tour this year to best Sergio “El Whiño” Garcia as golf’s biggest jackhole.  So imagine my surprise when Garcia manages to get himself deek’d from this week’s PGA Championship and somehow gets out-cried by somebody else.

The PGA was won today by World’s Best Human and Greatest Golfer Alive, Tiger Woods, with a score of 8 under par.  Finishing runner-up (usually I think that finishing runner-up in a major is a pretty respectable accomplishment, but today it just signifies “loser”) was a guy named Woody Austin, who, as he had been doing all week, opened his mouth and made himself sound like a complete clown.

Woody Austin is 43 years old.  He has been a pro for over 20 years.  In that time, he has three victories.  Three.  In 20 years.  He’s won the Buick Open (1995), Buick Championship (2004), and something called the Stanford St. Jude Championship, which I assume is a golf tournament but who the hell knows; I’ve never even heard of it.  His best finish in a major tournament until this year’s PGA was 16th, and he’s ranked 75th in the world. 

He lost the PGA today to Tiger Woods.  Tiger is 31 years old.  He has been a pro for 11 years.  In that time, he has 59 victories.  If you’re scoring at home, that’s just over half the time Austin has been a pro, and 19.67 times the number of victories.  His best finish in a major tournament is, well, first.  Which he has done 13 times.  He is the current World Number One.

If you’re Woody Austin, and you lose the PGA Championship by 2 strokes to Tiger Woods, you say “You know what, it was great to be out there competing against the best in the world.  I gave it my all, came up short, my hat is off to Tiger.”  Then you walk off, put your thumb in your mouth, curl into the fetal position, and thank the golf gods that Tiger let you hang around and make it interesting instead of robbing you of your manhood on national television.  Instead, here’s what Woody Austin says:

“I think it’s great how me and Ernie (Els) didn’t just let him coast in.  All you ever hear about is how unbeatable he is.”  Yeah Woody, you should definitely give yourself and the Big Easy a hearty pat on the back for simply not rolling over.  That’s the mark of a winner, man – losing, but not letting the winner run you over like a speed bump.  Here’s a tip though: don’t indicate you’re tired of hearing about how “unbeatable” Tiger Woods is only minutes after the guy has just beat you.  Angel Cabrera can say stuff like that.  Phil Mickelson, loath as I am to admit it, can say stuff like that.  They’ve beaten Tiger to win majors before.  You won the Stanford St. Jude Championship.

If this was just an example of a frustrated guy trying to make himself feel better after Tiger dismissed him, it would be one thing.  But Austin has been an idiot for the entire tournament.  At least, that’s what I call a guy who says this after his round on Friday:

“What I get upset about is, if I go through my round the second day and go through Tiger’s, for me to lose seven shots and outplay him, I’m supposed to be happy?  No, I’m not supposed to be happy.”  Candidly, that one had me dazzled.  The sports world is full of self-deluded simpletons, but to have a guy scorch you by 7 shots, with a round that ties the course record, and claim that you “outplayed” him is absurdity on the level of Dadaism.   I appreciate competitive fire, but there’s a big difference between that and shooting your mouth off while you’re in the process of having your ass handed to you.  Woody Austin, with his remarks after the Friday round, officially became golf’s Black Knight

Here’s something else that bothers me about this guy:  Tiger Woods is a major global celebrity.  He has hundreds of millions of dollars.  He lives on oceanfront property on Jupiter Island, Florida, in a $40 million dollar mansion.  This is his wife:


Woody Austin isn’t even the world’s best-known Woody, for God’s sake.  I can think of two more famous Woodys off the top of my head –

woody-woodpecker2.jpg  sheriff-woody2.jpg

When you share a name with two cartoon characters more famous than you are, then maybe when the number one player in your sport beats you, do what you’re supposed to when you’re served humble pie:  eat it, Woody.


4 Responses

  1. Everything you said is exactly what went thru my mind as I was listning to the great Mr. Austin. I respect Ernie Els who is a million times better than Austiin but a million times more humble and respectfull of other people. Golf is a game which always humiliates the proud.

  2. Totally agree with everything you said.(except maybe that Tiger is the greatest human being) I think there may be a few other people out there that qualify for that.

  3. Woody Austin, a “humble” idiot. This guy does not have any respect for anyone, including himself. He has a rep of a hot head and his quotes prove that.
    This old guy is getting lucky and for him to compare himself to Tiger is funny.
    Woody needs to head back to the bar and avoid the media!

  4. […] Previously on this blog, we referred to Tiger Woods by the honorific “World’s Best Human.”  We would like to rescind that designation.  All Things In Their Place regrets the error. […]

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