This Is The Sellout Post

 Civilizer, Hell-Bent on World Domination

This is an experiment.  This blog’s been doing all right lately.  I’m wrapping up my best week in terms of page hits, got linked on yesterday, and verbally engaged a Russian named “Sven” who thinks All Things In Their Place is, and I’m quoting now, “a sorry piece of American propaganda.”

But I’ve got eight years of Jesuit education under my belt, and that means I’m always striving to do better.  Smacking one misguided Russkie around the Internets is great fun, but why be satisfied with that when I could potentially offend his entire country?  Right?  I’ve had a fair amount of people read my recent post calling for the expulsion of Blackwater USA from Iraq, but it sure would be far more satisfying if about 100 times more people did, especially since it looks like that fine organization has been smuggling weapons into Iraq, some of which ended up in the hands of (oops!) terrorists.


So today I embark upon the Great Blogging Experiment.  Posting about Russian malfeasance, the environment, and the American presidential race is working out fine, traffic-wise, but I’ve made a study of it, and I think I know where the real traffic is: inconsequential, vacuous celebrities and their wacky misadventures.  So what I’m going to do here is throw their names into this ATITP entry at every possible opportunity and see what happens.  If it works and a million people flock to this blog, then you can be like one of those pretentious Pitchfork-reading music fans and say “I knew about All Things In Their Place before it was famous…Civilizer’s old stuff was so much better.”  So away we go…


Hillary Clinton is widening her lead over the other Democratic presidential hopefuls, enjoying rising poll numbers and that first real sign that she’s leaving her fellow Dems in the dust – the Republicans are going after her like she’s going to be the one to beat when all the primary dust settles.  You know what this reminds me of?  It reminds me of that riveting feud involving another Hillary (well, Hilary): the big LINDSAY LOHAN and HILARY DUFF catfight of 2004, when the two were going at each other in the press over…some guy, I think.  One of the Backstreet Boys?  Don’t rememeber all the details on that, but what’s important is the way it informed the debate on Social Security. 

The Republicans are lucky to have Hillary Clinton to kick around, because they’ve got their own problems.  Larry Craig and Mark Foley for example.  Politicians on both sides of the aisle have been guilty of sex scandals since the beginning of this nation’s history, but lately, whenever it’s a Republican sex scandal, it’s really creepy and weird.  I mean, sole-of-your-shoe Morse code in an airport men’s room?  Come on Mark and Larry – PARIS HILTON and KIM KARDASHIAN came out of their sex scandals with more dignity than you guys, and tapes of them in flagrante delicto were all over the Internet!  ROB LOWE (that one might not help me, actually) got caught on tape, and he later went on to play a successful political aide on The West Wing

If it’s image rehab your’re after, you might want to attach yourself, remora-like, to ANGELINA JOLIE.  The media thinks she’s the best woman in the world!  (Seriously, they do).  She visits poor countries, and even gives birth in them!  ANGELINA JOLIE would make the perfect politician.  She lightly touches an issue, changes nothing, but speaks as though she really has a “plan.”  She sure was a big fan of Africa, but last time I checked, it’s still a scorched, war-ravaged, hell-continent.  But hey ANGELINA, as you pointed out, “In Africa, we were around thousands of people who have seen a lot of poverty, but they were fun at the end of the day.”

I’ll say this for her though: her kids aren’t in mortal danger.  Evidently, that’s more than you can say for far too many children in the United States and Britain.  Child welfare has been a serious issue in this country for a long time.  Shamefully, it doesn’t get a lot of attention until a child dies, but I do hope that state and national politicians make it an issue in the coming election season.  What people don’t understand about this crisis is the strong downside risk it poses to our country’s scientific expertise, military strength, economic might, and cultural health.  You think a kid raised in an abusive home, or without enough food to eat, or by parents that could care less about actual parenting, like BRITNEY SPEARS, is going to grow up and make a gene therapy breakthrough one day?  Or write a book of poetry?  Maybe, but probably not.  If we don’t give kids the tools they need to put their lives together, we put them in a very deep hole, and for every one kid who climbs out, there are thousands left behind.  And those are thousands of people who one day will NOT grow up to contribute to vital scientific research, join the armed forces, or enter the workforce.  It’s merely a national shame now, but there are quantifiable consequences later.

I have nothing to say about EVA LONGORIA.


One Response

  1. Ha Ha. I have to tell you I will be amazed if this isn’t your highest traffice post. True, this type of searchable, sensational linkage drives traffic. It speaks to the way the internet and our society is wired these days.
    That being said, I enjoyed it.
    I love “I have nothing to say aobut Eva Longoria”
    hahaha. I wonder how many hits that will get.

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