I think we can all agree that, generally speaking, assemblies of world governments are mostly useless. The U.N., for example, is a corrupt, impotent body that long ago abdicated its responsibility to protect and strengthen all the countries of the world. It had no credible role in the march to war in Iraq, and its Security Council is hostage to Russia and China on the issue of Iran. On the matter of North Korea, the tipping point that brought Kim Jong-Il back to the bargaining table was not U.N. pressure, but America and its allies freezing key North Korean bank accounts. For another example, the Doha round of trade talks has been stalled, re-started, and stalled more times by squabbling and obstinance than is advisable to try and recall.
Since it’s highly unlikely that anything of substance or consequence will ever come from one of these august assemblies, I think it’s high time that the individuals involved stop standing on ceremony, stop being diplomatic, throw Robert’s Rules of Order out the window, and just strip international politics down to its bare essence: people that don’t like each other, enjoy saying so, and who would jump at the chance to superkick their continental neighbors right in the mush. So in that spirit, All Things In Their Place would like to commend His Majesty King Juan Carlos Alfonso Víctor María de Borbón y Borbón-Dos Sicilias of Spain for cutting a five-star promo on Hew-go Chávez’s faux-populist ass.
Two different kings, cut from the same royal cloth
Things got x-treme this weekend at the Ibero-American Summit, when Hew-go teed off on Spain’s Jose Maria Aznar, the former prime minister who Chávez believes backed a 2002 coup which put the chubby dictator out on his ass for a little while. In an address to the attending leaders, Hew-go kept calling Aznar a “fascist,” prompting Aznar’s tag-team partner, current prime minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, to use his address to tell Chávez to pipe down. Chávez continued to interrupt Zapatero’s remarks, leaving the assembled throng in suspense.
Would the Venezuelan Asshat continue his assault on Aznar? Would Aznar and Zapatero overwhelm their pugnacious, loquacious opponent and finish him off on the summit floor with their feared finishing move, The Big Siesta? The crowd was on the edge of their seats when, unexpectedly, King Juan Carlos FROM OUT OF NOWHERE!!! performed the greatest run-in in the history of international politics. The King, seated next to Zapatero, turned to Hew-go and angrily said “¿Por qué no te callas?“ Which translates to “
Know your role and shut your mouth you little jabroni Why don’t you shut up?” Obviously, this turned the tide in favor of The Seething Spainiards and Aznar was able to take advantage of a stunned Chávez, rolling him up for the three-count. It remains to be seen if Hew-go will honor the terms of the match and wear a dress and a blonde wig to next year’s Ibero-American gathering.
Now that’s a summit! I’m not aware of any negative consequences that resulted from the royal smackdown, so I’m proposing that all international summits from now on be chaired by Vince McMahon. And for all of you out there planning on making a fortune bringing next year’s Ibero-American summit to Pay-Per-View, don’t bother, I already locked it up. You wanna see the rematch, you gotta go through me.