Well, looks like we can finally close the case on the Catholic sex-abuse scandals. After trying out all kinds of innovative ways to deal with the unfortunate prediliction of Catholic priests to, you know, fondle minors – denying that it’s happening, evicting elderly nuns from their convent to save money – it looks like the sagacious leadership over at the New York Archdiocese just struck gold, baby: no, they’re not publishing a letter asking the Vatican to rethink their position on homosexuality so that the Church might attract normal gay people to the clergy instead of just the closeted pervo ones, and no, they’re not endorsing married or female priests so that the Church might attract more normal people overall. Instead, they’re rolling out a “Here’s how not to get sodomized” coloring book for kids!
Sorry kids, we don’t feel like implementing any structural change that might lower your risk of being raped by one of our priests, so you’re on your own! But before you sign up to be an altar boy, please complete this coloring book…and really try to pay attention to what’s in there, ok?