Hillary’s Campaign Needs A New Manager. The Pro Wrestling Kind.

paul-bearer.jpg Civilizer

The Clinton campaign, on the eve of its “firewall” primary, has lost its mojo.  Like one of those crinkly helium balloons you buy for sad little office birthday parties, it’s been leaking mojo ever since Barack Obama pulled even in Iowa.  And when Kennedy 2.0 (now with a more interesting racial background and none of the philandering!) won a commanding victory there, the balloon popped like that fatass Dr. Phil crashed the party and sat on it.  (What am I saying, that guy wouldn’t dream of showing up someplace uninvited

So here the Senator from New York sits…great pantsuits, classy jewelry, understated make-up job, and all the momentum of a tree sloth walking uphill.  Once the candidate of inevitability, now watching, forlorn, as the adoring crowds leave her all alone, flocking to a young, idealistic guy with an exotic name and a voice that could cut an Infiniti commercial.  What is “your girl” to do? 

As with all things in life, the answer can be found in the world of professional wrestling.  The annals of professional wrestling are rife with superstars who had bodies like finely-tuned wrecking machines and the homicidal athleticism of a wild mustang, but who possessed the oratorical skills of a lowland gorilla with a jaw full of Novocaine.  They had almost all the tools, they just needed somebody exciting, loquacious, and charismatic to give them a shot of personality.  And so, they were given a manager.  The Clinton team might want to look at this idea…their candidate has the name, a gimmick (a woman president!), and the look.  She’s almost the total package.  And yet, her message is getting lost.  Her insistence that she can be the most effective agent of change is being washed out by the hope-flavored Kool-Aid that Democratic voters are loudly slurping from Barack Obama’s punch bowl.  And that’s why she needs a new manager.  Not one of these:


One of these! :


This is a can’t miss idea.  Let’s look at Hillary’s caucus speech from a week ago:

“Well, we’re going to take this enthusiasm and go right to New Hampshire tonight. This is a great night for Democrats. We have seen an unprecedented turnout here in Iowa. And that is good news, because today we’re sending a clear message: that we are going to have change, and that change will be a Democratic president in the White House in 2009.”

Meh.  Here’s more:

“Now, you know, we have always planned to run a national campaign all the way through the early contests, because I want the people of America, and particularly Democrats, and like-minded independents… (LAUGHTER) … and Republicans who have seen the light… (APPLAUSE) … to understand, number one, that the stakes are huge, that the job is enormous, but that I believe we’re going to make the right decision.”

Pretty uninspiring.  The snideness is muted, the pronouncements are civil, the confidence is lukewarm and cliché.  Now imagine the fire that would be lit under the Clinton campaign and its supporters if Hillary simply stood right next to the podium, just off to the side, and let “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart do the talking.

“This is awesome baby, it’s hotter in here than a fryin’ egg on a desert highway!  Can you feel the heat in this room, can you feel the eee-leck-trrrrr…issity!  Barack Obama, you think you’ve got this thing won, you think when the dust settles and the smoke clears, you’re going to have the Democratic nomination around your waist?  Ha!  You’re makin’ me LAUGH!  I am LAUGHING AT YOU, baby!  Youdon’tknowwhatyou’reupagainstman!  Youdunno!  ‘Cause this fiery diva standing here to my left…Hillary Rodham Clinton…she’s only just begun, man!  She’s only just begun to fight!  And we are gonna take all the heat in this room, and we are gonna take all the energy of all the maniacs across the land, and we are gonna take it aaaaaallll and march to New…Hamp…SHIRE, Barack Obama, and we are going to bring you down!  Enjoy your victory while you can, you smooth-talking whippersnapper, because NEXT WEEK, in a political STEEL CAGE MATCH, Hillary Clinton WILL take you for a ride on the PAIN TRAIN, BABY, woo wooo!  And when you’re at the end of the line, well Barack Obama, it’s gonna be Hillary Clinton reigning supreme as the Democratic Heavyweight Champion!”

Now tell me that’s not better.  If mere hypothetical verbiage won’t convince you, let me remind you that at the 1991 Survivor Series, Paul Bearer did such a good job as manager of The Undertaker that the Phenom won the World Wrestling Federation championship, defeating Hulk Hogan no less.  Why is this such an amazing feat?  Because at that point, The Undertaker barely ever talked!  If a manager with this kind of skill and guile can deliver the industry’s top prize to a guy who barely ever speaks, just think what he could do for Hillary, who CAN talk!   

And don’t worry Mitt Romney, I haven’t forgotten about you.  Hire this man:


Everybody who votes for you is automatically entered for a chance to win that belt.  Think about it now, and thank me later.


One Response

  1. […] may recall that on the eve of the New Hampshire primary, I suggested that the only way Hillary Clinton could revive her flagging campaign was to hire a new manager – […]

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