Middle Finger Of The Apocalypse: Johnny Dare

Save for NPR, I have not listened to FM radio for a prolonged amount of time probably in over 2 years, and when I have listened, it’s typically been a mid-afternoon spin down the dial in the hopes that my local rock station will play Metallica or Ozzy – a pretty safe bet given that they play Metallica or Ozzy once every 5 songs, at least.  But I haven’t listened to FM in the morning since high school.  The morning drive time, of course, is the domain of the “zany morning show,” 3 or so hours of the high-larious antics of an unfunny douche and between 2 and 4 associates who, when not discussing issues such as breasts, sex, and pooping, have way too much fun with the 10,000,000 sound effects at their disposal.  The great Seth McFarlane and Co. pretty well nailed the format in this clip from “Family Guy.” 

Like I said, I haven’t heard one of these things in years.  But I was on a business trip this week in Kansas City, and can report that over on 98.9 FM, “The Rock,” the obligatory “porn star masturbating on-air” segment, which was last edgy during the Reagan presidency when porn stars and others making nudity-oriented livings did not get their own TV shows, and sundry other offenses to comedy, is alive and well.  And after listening to two mornings worth of this pablum whilst getting myself ready in the morning, I have no other choice but to award 98.9 FM morning DJ Johnny Dare the coveted Middle Finger Of The Apocalypse Award.

 

Dare is basically the obnoxious morning DJ straight out of central casting: a lumpy dude with hair courtesy of a Quiet Riot video.  His show crosses all the t’s and dots all the i’s.  I was awoken one day by the alarm to a parody tune set to Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel” called “Lips of an A-hole.”  (If you need to know anything more about Hinder, they’re touring this summer with Staind and Alter Bridge.  Thank you and goodnight.) If I listened longer, I’m sure I would have heard “Freeballin,'” the Shakespeare-esque parody rendition of Tom Petty’s “Freefallin.'”  Co-hosts on the show have names like T-Bone and Jake The Phone Snake (?).  The show hosted a game of Naked Twister with local female listeners.  This last one is something I have never been able to figure out, especially because similar shenanigans featuring naked women in the studio helped make Howard Stern the obscenely rich obstacle to profitability for Sirius that he is today.  Who the hell cares if Jenna Jameson is naked on your radio show WHEN YOU CAN’T SEE ANYTHING.  Anyway.  The Johnny Dare Morning Show is pretty much the same tired old stuff you’ll find on Stern, Opie and Anthony, Mancow, and the rest.

But what puts the show over the top and wins it the Finger is the name of its website:  www.corporateradiosucksass.com.  Come on.  There are few things more irritating than media figures who evince absolutely no creativity, no rebellious spirit, are easily categorized, and who follow a time-tested formula but who nevertheless cast themselves as self-made culture warriors who never miss an opportunity to stick it to The Man.  It’s utterly disingenuous – Johnny Dare’s radio station is owned by Entercom, the fourth largest broadcasting company in the entire United States.  That’s about as corporate as radio gets except for Clear Channel, and to do a radio show on the leash of somebody like Entercom and then to call your website “corporateradiosucksass.com” is lame, plain and simple.    

5 Responses

  1. Well-deserved award for Dare and Co. These morning DJs certainly have nothing positive to contribute to pop culture. When you think about it, they target the absolute lowest common denominator of the population – people who see the need to listen to the top 40 or radio rock station for their morning commute (or at work), and therefore use it as the source of the day’s newsworthy topics. Of course, these topics normally don’t concern important subjects, just the “news of the odd” stuff.

    Furthermore, this audience finds more entertainment in a few assholes’ commentary about the mundane and ability to interject fart noises into crank calls than the many other means of potential entertainment in the car. Is there really still a segment of the population that hasn’t discovered the iPod (and the thousands of free Podcasts for any taste), or at the very least that huge slot that you can put those newfangled compact discs into? I guess that might be a topic FM DJs don’t advertise. So in a lot of ways, Dare is doing the only thing he can do- mindlessly low-brow entertainment for people with sub-80 IQs and no awareness out of their immediate range of sight.

    The corporateradiosucksass.com website is hilarious on so many levels: Dare lacks either the knowledge or the backbone to understand his employer, said employer is acknowledging the fact that large corporate radio is inherently low-quality, and his mindless audience doesn’t know and/or doesn’t care that Dare and Entercom are posturing as some little indie college rock station. It reminds me of the Lowe’s campaign that claims the store is a neighborhood hardware store. It’s the “We’re not Wal-Mart or Home Depot, so we must be your friendly little neighborhood place!”

  2. Johnny Dare speaks to every one, he has the most popular morning radio show in the midwest, and helps put together the largest one day rock festival in the country, Rockfest. He is a great humanitarian, he does great things for his community, and helps all who listen get through the hardest part of their day, the morning. If you don’t like it, don’t listen, do you really think that he is going to be offended by some douche bag with no sense of humor, I don’t think so, so come down off your cross and take the strap on out of your ass.

    JOHNNY DARE JOHNNY DARE
    JOHNNY DARE JOHNNY DARE
    JOHNNY DARE JOHNNY DARE!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. As an avid listener of the Johnny Dare Morning Show, I will have to respectfully disagree with your article. After listening to other morning shows around the country, which I have found to be quite annoying and un-funny. The Johnny Dare show breaks the mold and isn’t the cookie cutter morning show, that is typically found in many metro areas across the nation. He isn’t your regular douche bag disc jockey who doesn’t care about his listeners and his community. He organizes the largest Bikers for Babies fund raiser in the entire nation for March of Dimes. Over the Christmas holiday he heads up Hope for the Holidays, raising money for families who are struggling during this financially strenuous time. I have only lived in Kansas City for about two and a half years, but the corporateradiosucks.com is no longer his web site. It may not have even officially been his web site when this article was written. Also the corporateradiosucks.com site, I believe, was created during the time when they were protesting being bought out by a huge corporation(Entercom). If you want to listen to your uptight morning talk show and keep your nose turned up in the air, this is fine don’t change your dial from NPR. But if so, don’t consider yourself a representation of the rest of society, maybe lighten up and laugh at a booger joke on the radio every once and a while.As an avid listener of the Johnny Dare Morning Show, I will have to respectfully disagree with your article. After listening to other morning shows around the country, which I have found to be quite annoying and un-funny. The Johnny Dare show breaks the mold and isn’t the cookie cutter morning show, that is typically found in many metro areas across the nation. He isn’t your regular douche bag disc jockey who doesn’t care about his listeners and his community. He organizes the largest Bikers for Babies fund raiser in the entire nation for March of Dimes. Over the Christmas holiday he heads up Hope for the Holidays, raising money for families who are struggling during this financially strenuous time. I have only lived in Kansas City for about two and a half years, but the corporateradiosucks.com is no longer his web site. It may not have even officially been his web site when this article was written. Also the corporateradiosucks.com site, I believe, was created during the time when they were protesting being bought out by a huge corporation(Entercom). If you want to listen to your uptight morning talk show and keep your nose turned up in the air, this is fine don’t change your dial from NPR. But if so, don’t consider yourself a representation of the rest of society, maybe lighten up and laugh at a booger joke on the radio every once and a while.

  4. johnny dare is by far the funniest dj i have ever heard.so fuc* off you fat yuppy. booger booger fart fart wiener!!!!!

  5. JOHNNY DARE KING OF KC RADIO, MANCOW TRIED TO COME BACK AND DO IT FAIL!!!!!!!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HE’S THE LONE KING F UCK NEW YORK, LA, MIAMI,CHICAGO…HE’S A MIDWEST BOY TO THE CORE AND HE’LL NEVER CHANGE FUCK YOU HATERS!!

    http://WWW.FREEJOHNNYDARE.COM

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