It’s The All Things In Their Place One-Year Blog-iversary!

One year, 150 posts, one comment from a bona fide MIT genius, 3,032 hits from people searching “middle finger” alone, and thousands of man-hours saved worldwide from people who stopped thinking about important issues once they read this blog and just let me do it for them.

Been a good year.  Tell your friends.

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Attention Women – Prostitution Can Help Make All Your Dreams Come True: Quote Of The Day

“The girl’s butt we have on there now is pretty good, but if you can get (Dupre) to do it, and to make some personal appearances, it’s like Paris Hilton or something.  We are trying to work out a contract.”

– Martin Silver, chief executive of Star Industries — owners of the U.S. rights to the Georgi vodka brand, currently in talks to pay Spitzer hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupre more than $100,000 to be this year’s Georgi “butt girl,” the brand spokesmodel who gets a close-up ass shot on the back of taxicabs and city buses in New York City.  (source:  adage.com)

100 Posts! I Thought This Would Hold My Interest For 12, Tops

walter-2.jpg Civilizer

This is the 100th post on All Things In Their Place.  I swear, I never thought I would still be doing this.  The odds are stacked against any new blogger – most of them grossly overestimate the audience for poorly punctuated histrionics, political jeremiads, and One Tree Hill-style emoting.  Even for bloggers like me, who try and avoid the latter categories in favor of marginally well-informed, snarky political stuff, writing each post is an exhausting exercise in self-discipline as merely being on the internet doing research for a post is like skiing a slalom course of distraction.  Just in attempting to write this paragraph, which has taken about 90 seconds of actual typing, I have spent 17 minutes watching the infamous “lightning bolt” LARPing video on YouTube.  So I don’t blame you if you read my first post back in June of 2007 and thought “This thing’s dead by the 4th of July.”  But nevertheless, I’m still going.  So I thought that the best way to celebrate my 100th post would be to highlight a few other people or things that no one thought would last as long as they have.  Starting with…

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1.  “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair – In one week’s time, Ric Flair will be 59 years old.  Fifty-nine!  And not only is he still wrestling, he’s still, at worst, a mid-carder with World Wrestling Entertainment.  Not stumbling around some cow palace in Gary, Indiana or doing drunken, rambling shoot interviews for a couple bucks, but wrestling pay-per-views for WWE.  That’s like being 59 years old and still turning in 1,000-yard seasons in the NFL.  Just last night, the guy beat Mr. Kennedy clean with the figure-four leglock!  Yes, I think it’s fair to say that Ric Flair is the “All Things In Their Place of Professional Wrestling.”

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2.  Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign – on May 3rd, 2007, the moderator asked all those on the stage who do not believe in evolution to raise their hands.  Mike Huckabee raised his hand.  Jon Stewart, among others, pronounced his candidacy immediately dead (go to the 4:00 mark).  It is now February 18th, 2008.  He is still in the race.  Dammit America, get it together and quit giving this guy delegates!  Seriously!

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3.  The rap music – no melody, vulgar language, no singing, most of the songs are about butts, no ass-kicking guitar solos, and yet it’s still around and, I’m told, quite popular with the young people.  Hey, takes all kinds I guess.

So there you go – three other people or things that beat the odds, just like ATITP did.  But for the record, if out of those three it’s Mike Huckabee who is still around 100 posts from now, I am going lightning bolt all over his ass.

The Middle Finger Of The Apocalypse Curse Is 1-0

sporting-civilizer.jpg Sporting Civilizer

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They said the game was all but academic.  They said an upset would not happen.  They said that the New England Patriots were sure-things to win this year’s Super Bowl.  But what they failed to recall was that Bill Belichick was, as a recipient of this blog’s Middle Finger of the Apocalypse award, cursed and would therefore not be able to lead his merry band of cheaters to the 19-0 promised land.  Mark it down, America – with the NFL history witnessed tonight, All Things In Their Place is now the most powerful and nefarious force on the interweb.  Watch your back, Harold Bloom.

On a marginally related note, I’m predicting that tonight’s break-out Super Bowl commercial character will be the E*trade Baby.

Now Entering The Ring, Accompanied By Her Manager, Slick Willie…

walter-2.jpg Civilizer

You may recall that on the eve of the New Hampshire primary, I suggested that the only way Hillary Clinton could revive her flagging campaign was to hire a new manager – not your typical campaign manager, mind you, but a professional wrestling manager – somebody who could be her aggressive, offensive, aggrandizing mouthpiece, grabbing headlines by challenging Barack Obama without regard for decorum or propriety.  I knew it was an outrageous suggestion of course – the post was really just an excuse for me to inject my love of pro wrestling into my love for politics.  I never thought for a minute she’d actually do it!

Of course, she chose not to go with my suggestion, “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart, despite the fact that Hart’s management resume includes Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, King King Bundy, the Hart Foundation, Earthquake, and of course, the Immortal Hulk Hogan, and the fact that Hart is a two-time Pro Wrestling Illustrated Manager of the Year.  Imagine my surprise when she chose, instead…her husband, former President and the world’s most famous fellatee (that’s not a real word, don’t bother looking it up), Bill Clinton!

The guy is a natural at this!  The minute he’s set loose on Obama, he comes up with gems like calling Obama’s Iraq statements “a fairy tale” and referring to Obama as a “kid”!  That kind of vituperation stands up to Jimmy Hart’s best stuff!  And not only is Bill hitting all the rhetorical marks, but he’s nailed one of the most important elements of the pro wrestling manager:

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The garish orange tie!

Linked On CNN.com!

 

Go to http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/09/21/madcop.video.ap/index.html and click on “From the Blogs” (powered by the good folks at Sphere).

So who wants to touch me?

Like an NPR Pledge Drive, but Without a Free Tote Bag

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ANNOUNCEMENT!

Well it had to happen some time…I threw my hat in the ring of one of those social-networking blog sites.  Specifically, “Fuel My Blog.”  Do me a favor and take a second to click on that fiery link over on the right and register to vote for my blog.  I’m pretty sure I don’t win anything, but if I do, I promise to go “halfsies” with my millionth visitor.  Just so you know, it’s probably halfsies on a “Fuel My Blog” t-shirt or something, which means you’d win a useless strip of cotton.

Promotional skill like this is why I never went into advertising.