Truly We Are Living In Humanity’s Golden Age

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Link? LINK?! Oh, This Will Not Do.

ryu-2.jpg Civilizer’s Inner Geek

It’s a common complaint today that the powers that be are out of touch with the average person, that grassroots movements can’t stand up to the slick, well-financed corporate cabal with its political access and marketplace domination.  “I can’t make a difference” is the sad conclusion that a lot of people come to after years of reading the news, going to town hall meetings, and casting their vote.  Well, I’m here to tell you that there’s an issue of paramount importance facing the public right now, and your vote can make all the difference.  Don’t screw this up.

Over at IGN, there’s a “Hero Showdown” happening, pitting Nintendo’s Link, hero of the Legend of Zelda series of games, against one Cloud Strife, ass-kicking, impeccably coiffed protagonist of the greatest video game ever made, Final Fantasy VII.  (Suck it, Contra)  It’s a simple pick-and-click, where you choose the guy you think would win in a fight.  And as of this writing, Link is winning, and winning big – 64% to 36%. 

This cannot stand.  Just to get everyone up to speed, this is Link:

link.jpg

Real men don’t use shields.  I certainly don’t.

Look at the guy.  He’s like 5’6″ and maybe a buck twenty-five.  He has some magic weapons, notably the Master Sword, and he’s an elf, which is only cool sometimes, not always.  Link makes a living beating up on meat-headed demons and wizards and saving Princess Zelda over and over again, when what he ought to be doing is putting his foot down and telling her if she’d pony up for a damn bodyguard, he wouldn’t have to go chasing her ass all over Hyrule.  So not only is he scrawny, he’s whipped.  Impressed?

Now here is Cloud:

 cloud-strife.jpg

Isn’t that silver lion thing awesome?  Yeah, Link doesn’t have one of those.

Cloud is a genetically enhanced former member of an elite paramilitary corps who, in the course of FFVII, joins an underground movement called AVALANCHE dedicated to freeing its populace from the environmentally crushing grip of the evil Shinra corporation.  Along the way, it is revealed that one of the results of Shinra’s many insidious experiments was the creation of a nearly unstoppable, supernatural super-soldier named Sephiroth, hands-down the best villain in the history of video games.  And Cloud takes him down, so on a strength of schedule basis, Cloud drops Link like a bag of bricks.

Plus, Cloud wields the Buster Sword.  It’s awesome.  For comparison, here is Link’s “Master Sword” and here is Cloud’s Buster Sword:

master-sword.jpg            

Master Sword  

 buster-sword.jpg

Buster Sword – All 8 feet of it

Sorry, but the Buster Sword eats the Master Sword’s lunch.  It’s frickin’ huge, look at it!  It’s like he’s swinging a sharpened I-beam around!  You can’t tell me that if Cloud and Link go head to head, and Link has that metal toothpick of his, and Cloud has the Buster Sword, that Cloud doesn’t dissect Link like a frog in biology class.

For Link to get past Cloud in IGN’s Hero Showdown would be a disgrace, and this country can ill-afford another one.  Are we really going let Alberto Gonzales remain attorney general for as long as he did AND deem frigging Link the superior man in a knock-down drag-out with Cloud Strife?  America, get over to IGN.com and set this right.  We couldn’t save SCHIP, but if we can put Cloud Strife over the top, the year isn’t a total loss.